CDC Instructs Parents To Set Diseased Grocery Carts On Fire

kidscartDec. 1st, 2016

Atlanta, Georgia–The news has swept the internet today after the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported children’s grocery carts are cesspools containing deadly disease. “We’ve found disease in the carts ranging from E. coli to Ebola. I recommend you avoid placing your children in them at all times,” says CDC Director Dr. Tom Frieden. The report comes as a shock to parents with small children who are constantly sick with colds, conjunctivitis, and fevers.

As a result of the report, major grocery stores chains across the country are removing carts containing the plastic extensions. When asked how to respond if a children’s cart is found at a grocery store, Dr. Frieden instructed, “Set them on fire. Douse them with gasoline and strike a match. But do it safely in the parking lot. This is the only way to destroy the diseases and prevent them from spreading.”

Below are a list of life threatening diseases found in children’s carts from all 50 states:

SARS
Leprosy
Influenza
Measles
Bird Flu
Meningitis
Rabies

Frieden encouraged parents who have allowed their child in a cart recently to seek medical treatment. “If you love your child and want them to live to a mature age, I advise you to allow a medical professional to take blood samples,” said Frieden. “And for parents concerned about future trips to the grocery store with small children, I encourage you to consider Amazon Fresh.”

The report has left many parents in tears feeling overwhelming guilt for placing their children in danger. “I’m terrified,” said Suzy Weaver, a mother from Tuscaloosa, Alabama, who allows her child in the carts on a weekly basis. “I pretended to not notice him gnawing on the plastic steering wheel and eating pineapple samples off the seat.” Another parent, Tom Wilson, a father from Salem, Oregon, noted, “I was concerned when I found feces in a cart, but I thought the exposure would help build up my daughter’s immune system.”

After the release of the report, many parents are calling for elected officials to create legislation banning children’s carts. Frieden didn’t think this was the solution, instead saying “we have to move forward and parents need to be vigilant. Again, the best thing to do is carry a gallon of gasoline in your minivans and torch any kids’ carts you might encounter.”

Later today, probably in the middle of the night, President-elect Donald Trump is expected to respond to this crisis with a tweet.

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